Heart to Heart
by Voyfemme
Summary: Reconciliations and Resolutions after the encounter with the BorgSpecies 8472. JCPairing:J CRating: PG13Type of Story: MushLevel: 3


**Part 9: Coming into the Light**

**Ray 1: Heart to Heart**

_Summary_:

Reconciliations and Resolutions after the encounter with the Borg/Species 8472. (J/C)

_Pairing:_J/ C _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Mush _Level_: 3

**

* * *

Part 9: Coming into the Light**

**Ray 1: Heart to Heart**

He stared the PADD, but he didn't see the data. His mind and his thoughts were elsewhere. They were also garbled and unfocused. The days had been getting harder and harder. He knew he was on borrowed time with his ability to concentrate on mundane things. He couldn't work. He gave up trying.

What he was feeling was foreign to him, but he recognized it as the beginning of despair born out of being frustrated for so long. He needed to talk someone. No he needed to talk to her. The only thing was that he couldn't. Squaring his shoulders he rested his elbows on the desk and formed a plateau with his hands. He rested his chin on them. It was only when he did that, he realized that a tear had escaped his eyes and made it down his cheeks. He smiled at that, he could imagine there must be some unwritten protocol about crying on duty. If they were in better straights, he could ask her if it had been incorporated into the rule book as of late. But then, if he could have he wouldn't be crying. He willed himself to stop by stating the fact that it was still inappropriate for him to be doing so in _his_ rule book. He was on duty. When he got off, he would deal with his tears. But deep down he knew that he had to deal with the source of his discontent that was causing the tears. He still didn't know how. Maybe because he had been running away from confronting her so long, he had forgotten how to start to talk to her. Too many things had happened between them from that time, and he had a vision of Kathryn turning him away with a cold voice and a cold manner and quite frankly the hurt that would be cause for him to dissolve the friendship completely. He would only be her First Officer. He had no idea how to do that anymore and not be emotionally involved in ensuring that the Captain was alright in order for the crew to be. And there was the matter of his promises.

There was**_Always_** the matter of his promises….to her and to himself.

Chakotay sighed deeply as another tear marched down his face. And he decided that he wasn't going to get away from this. He would let what needed to escape fall, for five minutes, and then he would will himself back to work.

The chime sounded.

* * *

Kathryn stood outside of Chakotay's door with a progress report of the Astrometrics Lab Update, and waited for him to let her in. There was no answer.

_Great!_ He swore to himself. Figures that he would have to be interrupted now. Chakotay wiped his eyes on his sleeve and used the reflection on his consul to examine his face and found that it wasn't that bad. Still he didn't want to be disturbed with something mundane and decided that if it were urgent

"Computer identify person at the door."

"Captain Janeway."

It was getting better by the moment. It would have to be her and in his heart Chakotay knew that the moment had come and whether or not he was ready for it, they were going to resolve this one way or the other. He couldn't bring himself to be the one to begin this.

_If you are going to send her away, you better do so now or else she's going to come in._

He knew that to be true. She would do so to make sure that he was all right. Still he couldn't bring himself to speak.

* * *

Kathryn was puzzled. "Computer confirm that Commander Chakotay is in his office."

"Confirmed"

"Is anyone else with him?"

"Negative"

"Janeway to Chakotay, please respond?"

Silence greeted her on the other end.

"Chakotay are you there?" The second question was accompanied by a knock on the door.

In his office, Chakotay thought to himself….._It's now or never_. Still he remained silent.

* * *

"Computer open the door, authorization Janeway Phi one one alpha."

The door slid open and Kathryn stepped inside. The sight that greeted her made her stop in the doorway. Chakotay stood up slowly behind his desk. He had a fleeting thought that he could make up for the fact that he was crying on duty, by standing when the Captain entered.

"Chakotay are you all right?" Janeway's alarm was on her face. She had never seen Chakotay shed one tear in the entire time that she had known him. She had never even heard of him mentioning it, and until today, she thought that nothing could hurt him so much as to cause what she was seeing. She crossed the room until she was standing in front of his desk.

Chakotay saw the alarm on her face and it gave him the courage to begin.

"No, Kathryn, I'm not alright. We're not all right." Chakotay did not look away from her. He did not want to run away from this any longer. He was just so tired, but with that admission he found that his tears had stopped. He straightened himself as he prepared to confront her with all that had been going on between them for the last month.

She knew what he was talking about and her lower lip trembled. Her eyes began to fill.

"I know" Kathryn said. She hesitated for a moment and then stepped behind Chakotay's desk to join him. She touched his arm. He didn't have to turn his gaze towards her, it never left her face from the moment she entered.

"Chakotay," she began,

"Tuvok to Janeway." Kathryn felt a swift pang of anger. Every time that she had a moment to something important for herself, ship's systems would interrupt. She would have to step in and be the Captain once again. She saw Chakotay look down and move away. She knew that he was preparing himself for being the First Officer. He knew what she must do and he would be right behind her. But not this time. This time…

"Tuvok unless your next two words are 'Red Alert' I am unavailable. I am with commander Chakotay in his office and we are not to be disturbed. What ever it is, lock it down and deal with it any way you see fit. I will contact you as soon as I am done here."

"Understood. Tuvok out."

The hesitation in Tuvok's reply was so slight that Chakotay almost missed it. Janeway didn't, she knew that he was in shock by what she had said. But as always, he would comply with her wishes.

"Computer, activate privacy locks and post "do not disturb" on the door chime." Janeway continued. "Re-route all incoming Combadge messages of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay to Commander Tuvok."

The computer beeped its compliance.

Chakotay looked at her with surprise lining his face as she walked over to the couch and sat down.

"This is more important Chakotay." He walked over to the couch and sat next to her, with only a couple inches of space between them.

"Chakotay, I'm sorry for the statement I made in the Ready Room during our first encounter with the Borg. I was scared and I lashed out at you personally instead of dealing with it professionally."

"You were scared?" Chakotay did not get that impression at all.

"I masked it well, but I was petrified. We were going to engage either the Borg or species 8472 whom we knew to be more powerful than the Borg. There was only one starship in the history of the Federation who survived Wolf 359 with no casualties and that was with the best Fleets that Starfleet had to offer. I was going to face them with one ship. We had come so far Chakotay and the thought of having to turn around and accept defeat or be possibly assimilated or die trying to escape assimilation was weighing heavily on my mind. I'm responsible for the crew being here and I vowed that I would get them back. I never honestly thought of ever settling down in the Delta Quadrant. My entire being was consumed with a way out and after talking to Maestro DaVinci in my simulation, I found what I thought was the only way out. I thought that since I willed it so much, I could make it happen. There was no doubt in my mind that the Borg would see things my way, that I could make the alliance work. I was so sure that I could convince the Borg that my plan was a good one. I didn't plan on having to convince the senior officers, I didn't plan on having to convince _you._

He gave a quick nod of his head and his breath caught.

"Kathryn if all it took for us to get home was your determination, we would have reached the alpha quadrant three years ago. I trust you with my life, with the crew's life. But what you were proposing wasn't only threatening our lives, but the lives of another species as well and for what, just to get us back home a little quicker. And maybe, just maybe it may have worked in the beginning but there was no doubt in my mind that the Borg would double cross us and they did. Sometimes Kathryn, you blaze through as if nothing is beyond you, but what you don't realize is that sometimes you are riding on luckmore thanskill and one day overconfidence can cause your luck to run out. There are things that are bigger than us, which can crush us, which can kill us. I believed that the Borg and Species 8472 were two of those things. It was as you said, we had come so far. To die now because of the Borg and Species 8472 after all we had been through. I trusted_ you_, it was the _Borg and 8472_ that I didn't trust."

"When you asked, I told you that it wasn't an issue. But you insisted that it was. You were right, but not in the way that you meant it. To me your actions showed that_ you_ didn't trust _me_. The day before, I told you that whatever we decided, we would tell the crew together. You are the captain Kathryn and I have never undercut your authority since we forged this crew. But in that instance I felt as if you undercut mine. This was a major decision, one that would have a huge impact on the crew and you did not even tell me first about it. I wasn't given a chance to voice my opinion, to give my support. You just informed me as part of the crew. At that time, the _we_ came down to _you_."

"I am sorry. I should have asked your opinion of my plan before I informed the crew. I should have listened to your concerns Chakotay and together we should have come up with a joint plan at the beginning. You were right. I didn't listen because I couldn't see past what I wanted. Safe passage home. I can see that now, but at the time I didn't. My God, I almost got us all assimilated!"

Kathryn's voice lowered and she placed her hand on his leg to get his full attention for what she was going to say next.

"But I know _you_ Chakotay. I knew that you would disagree with the plan and I knew why you would too. You wouldn't be able to see past what was done to you for the good of the crew."

It was hard for Chakotay to keep his yes on Janeway's face, but he made himself do it, because he owed it to her...because she was right.

"That was my part in all of it wasn't it? I couldn't see past what Riley and the New Co-Operative had done to me. I am sorry. For not able in that instance to put the good of the crew above my own personal experiences. You were right. Looking back, I could see now how 8472 would have been as big of a threat to the Delta Quadrant, to us, as the Borg. You were also correct when you made another statement. I was so angry with you when you refused to even consider my point of view, that I withdrew my support. As long as you were the captain, I would have followed your order, as the First Officer, but I didn't support _you_, something I could have done even if I disagreed with you. I was not at your side as I promised that I always would be. I truly regret that.

Kathryn's eyes were red and she knew that despite her best efforts that tears were cascading down her cheeks. She bet they looked a sight. It was good that they were saying these things to each other. They had needed to clear the air, but she still felt estranged from Chakotay somehow, she still needed to fill a gap. She turned her whole body to face Chakotay on the couch and then she raised her left hand and opened her palm. Chakotay did not hesitate. He put his palm against hers and their fingers intertwined. Calm which had eluded him from the Borg encounter finally began to settle in Chakotay's soul. It radiated outward and embraced Kathryn. It was at that instant that she stopped crying. The connection that they had forged over three years was not broken as she thought it was. It was still there. They had both dealt hard blows to their friendship, but now for the first time, she felt as if it would mend, not disintegrate. What they had built when they worked together was not torn by what they said when they pulled apart from each other.

Chakotay guided their joined hands to the side of her face and she leaned against them for a moment. The hands then lowered, fingers still intertwined. Kathryn said quietly.

"Three days after the Borg incident, when we first talked about Seven of Nine joining the crew and becoming human again and I told you that we had something to offer that the Borg couldn't, friendship, I believed that we would get through this, as we did the encounter, together. I must admit that with everything that has happened since then, I was afraid that we wouldn't make it. That I wouldn't make it. I have never felt so alone since my first year in this quadrant."

Chakotay's heart stirred deep within him.

"I watched you after Kes' transformation. I ached for you. I knew that you had a difficult time with it. I prayed that Tuvok would be able to help you with it, as I would not be able to. None of the crew were able to see it, but sometimes, when you were in the Chair, I could see look of sadness cross your face, it was all I could do not to reach out, to offer again to you what I had withdrawn. But I knew that some resolutions had to be made before I could."

Kathryn looked at him in amazement. He had noticed. For a week after Kes' departure, it took everything that Kathryn had in her to remain in control. She was grateful that she had Seven of Nine to occupy a lot of her thoughts. She dealt with her grief by preparing for the challenge of the former Borg's transformation. But in the unguarded moments, as he had seen, some memory of Kes would resurface and the pain of loss would be with her again. Her gaze softened on his.

"I ache for you now. I know that part of reason you looked so lost when I entered your office had to do with you experience with the Vhori. It was all I could do to stop from going after you right after you left sickbay after seeing the Kradin Ambassador. When I saw you in your quarters, heard the way you spoke to me, I realized that I had become an intruder. I was not welcome to be with you in your pain"

The feeling of wanting to hide was back. Chakotay made a motion to break the contact with Kathryn, but she pulled at his hand gently. She would not let him hide from her now. He stayed, but he looked down. He said so softly that she almost didn't hear him.

"It's gone Kathryn, my sense of peace. The anger is back. It started with my experience with the New Co-operative, and all the things that I have gone through have eroded it. It has been a hard six months for me. It is getting hard for me to trust and to believe in anyone again. Especially myself. All the issues that I thought I had put to rest were coming back. I could feel the bitterness escalating. I wanted to reach out to the one thing I knew would bring me peace. But I couldn't because I thought that our connection was broken, and I had realized my part in severing it. For the first time in three years, I also realized that I was alone."

Kathryn brought their entwined hands to his face. She said simply.

"Our connection is not broken. You are not alone. Neither am I. Our friendship has survived this. And so will we"

She pierced his soul with her words and Chakotay leaned his face against their entwined hands, needing to feel her warmth there. He realized that her hand was wet and that was because of the tears of relief that were marching down his face. He saw the same tears falling from Kathryn's eyes although she had a serious look on her face and a steady voice as she addressed him.

"I know that when I offered before, things were too uncomfortable between us, so I'm offering again. If you need anything or just want to talk, please ask. My best friend is in pain and I want to help."

"I will Kathryn, that's a promise."

He smiled and finally with their friendship restored to what it should be they released each other's hands. They laughed as they both wiped their tears on their respective uniform sleeves.

"I think that we'd better release the privacy lock before the gossip conduits on this ship find out that the Captain and First Officer are behind, _Do not disturb_ locked doors, and show up to our respective posts or else a certain Lt. assigned to Conn will be collecting a lot of replicator chips."

Kathryn looked puzzled as she walked to the door.

"Tom, why?"

"He bet against the four to one odds that we would become lovers this year in ships pool"

"Cocky little one, if it were me I would have waited another year, the odds would have been much better then."

Chakotay looked at her as they left his office.

"You knew?"

"I guessed. And it would be the type of thing that Tom would get involved in."

"At least this time he's not skimming profits. I hope that you don't mind that I looked the other way with the ship's pool."

"No, what I really want to know is how they would confirm it, they certainly wouldn't ask us outright."

"I don't know about that."

Kathryn stopped, "Someone asked you? What did you say?"

Chakotay's mischievous grin was back. "I evaded the question.'

Kathryn's laughter filled the corridor.

The End

**Part 9: Coming into the Light**

**Ray 2: Life After Death**


End file.
